What happened this morning will forever be memorable to me. It will definitely be. 

I never realized I'll be saying it with conviction. Really.

----

This morning I really woke up very early (like around 4 AM). I woke up from a bad dream that I had. I tried to forget it by sleeping it again but instead, the bad dream just continued. :( And when my heart can't take it anymore, I finally went up by 4:30. It really felt bad. There was cutting part of hands, Haydee was there, reputation was doomed, and like I was being strangled in my own dream. I couldn't take the fact. Before I texted her about my dream, I made it sure that it was just a dream because it really felt real. It was real for me. I analyzed first if it was real or not and I thought about it for a long time. I mean it. And thank God, it wasn't. I don't think I'll be able to handle the fact that it will ruin myself and my reputation. :(( 

This morning was our first duty in the mental institution. We were assigned in Pavillion 1, Ward 6. These are the recently admitted patients (maybe few months or so). But no patient interaction took place yet because of the self-awareness we had. This was the most meaningful for me. 

I can't believe I cried while Mira was talking like as if I was the one being assessed. I couldn't hold back much of my tears. Until it was my turn. Damn. I wasn't able to resist anymore, when I was asked about my sister, my parents. Tears were falling down continuously. Then until I reached the part where I couldn't keep my feelings anymore. As impulsive as my answers were, I was able to release like a gunshot the feelings that were bottled up for 1 1/2 years already.

Sir: Have you experienced heartbreak before?
Me: Yes.
Sir: Showbiz/non-showbiz?
Me: Showbiz.
Me *impulsive answer (IA) #1*: oh shit duty nila next week!
*realized stupid me for saying that*
*blahblahblah*
Sir: Galit ka sa kanya?
Me (IA): Oo.
Sir: Feeling mo pinaasa ka niya?
Me (IA): Oo.
Sir: Kung nandito siya anong sasabihin mo sa kanya?
Me (IA): Nakakainis ka!
Sir: May trauma ka sa mga lalaki?
Me (IA): Oo.
Sir: Tingin mo magkakaroon ka pa ng boyfriend?
Me: Oo naman.

My clinical instructur thought I'll be shivs because of boy trauma. Well, actually no. It's just that I'm not ready to enter a new relationship. Sad for K. I just wanna be honest with myself even for once which felt so relieved. I was happy after. Like after this, I was able to release all the negative vibes. And I thank for that. :> 

Thank God for self-awareness. I became fully aware. :) 

 I lablab my groupmates. <3

I thought I was gonna go through a real moving on phase, but I guess I won't ever start unless I removed him from my list with all the friends connected to him. And that is quite hard... actually, it is really hard. :( 

I know I can but I just don't want to. Unless I see him everyday, it will never be over. :(( But I will really really try my best. Really try my best.

Oh please help me. :(

Lai and I were just talking about the boys and broken relationships this morning. I told her how many couples in the batch experienced the same thing. It was really disappointing because same *name of school* boys were involved--well, except for one.

Grabe, another guy was caught having an affair with a girl who has a boyfriend too. Grabe lang!  

This day was okay naman. 

Ang fail lang talaga kasi I was supposed to donate blood pero di natuloy. :( Dahil lang sa period! :( It was so disappointing. :(

Tapos Russ and I weren't able to watch CLTCL in school dahil fail ang USB kong marami ng virus. :(

But nevertheless, the night was okay. It wasn't that romantic but okay lang. I was just frank but at least honest.

I hope it's crystal clear to him that for now, I really don't. I don't like him.

Valentine's was okay overall. :> 


***

But post-Valentine's is a different story.

Fail I had to peek again indirectly and found out something...damn. :(

Oh kayo na! :(

Back to bitter self again? Fudge? Fubuuuu. :(  

Ako na ang fail ngayon. :|