I know this has been in my chest for sometime. I may not say it out loud but this is how I really feel. I know my heart isn’t here anymore. I have a LOT of reasons to leave but physically I am still striving my everyday to stay. He is one of the major reasons I’m staying and yet I don’t feel being reciprocated enough. Or maybe I am just asking too much in return of me staying. I am too selfish but I know I am feeling being dragged for something that I know will not be too much beneficial for me in the future. I know I can do these things but this is not how I wanted to live my life in the future. I am having a hang of it. I shouldn’t be here anymore. I know I shouldn’t and yet I’m still here. WHY? WHY?
A lot of things are happening: I’m not being able to go home anymore thus barely seeing my sister only once a week when I go home and need to wash my clothes. I feel awful everytime I leave home because I realized we are getting closer more than ever (again). And how am I going to sustain that if I go home less than what should be. I hate things are now. I love the improvement it brings in our hospital but am I really wanting this? Do I really want this? Is this what I ask my life would be?
There are a lot of questions. A lot of thoughts circling my mind but no concrete answers. I just always live my day-to-day life with quite no direction anymore. I am actually leaning towards no goal. No solid goal anymore. I guess I know my goal but I don’t know how to get to those goals.
(calmed myself after typing this)
After moments of browsing and shiz….
I dwelled on my UK application…Still pending though. I hate my agency. Either their representative is seriously inefficient or their load is quite heavy. I seriously don’t get it. If they were only more helpful with the process then we would’ve been benefiting both from this communication we’re trying to hold on….
Anyway to end this, I will watch The Intern again. #feelgoodmovie #superfeelgood #ineedtofeelbetter #repeattoself