I was with Angela. We were in a house, I guess? I don't know which one. 

I gave him something through A. I remembered it was an orange thing, I can't remember exactly what it was for. I think to view some videos? Something to make him understand that it came from me. I let A gave it to him but I wasn't there. I was too shy because I knew it was a gesture to make him aware of something special...that I still exist. You know exist, differently, not just as a person. 

I was walking somewhere with someone (I think it was Cat) where I saw his dad, who greeted us. His dad was wearing a blackshirt and around his neck was a black Littman stethoscope. We approached him and had a short chat. Kamustahan. It felt weird talking to him because we never really had a conversation. I don't know if he knew me at all.

When A got back to me she gave me a paper bag of stuff. I think we were at home. There were perfumes and other trivial stuff. And there was a small note as well. I think something happened and it made me mad because he was implying that he didn't like what I did. He felt somehow offended yet he tried concealing it with a nice gesture in return. Another stuff with a much longer note inside it. I knew he wasn't reciprocating at all but man, I got so mad for him actually turning me down(?). (WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING???)

The last thing I remembered was I chunked the second thing he gave me (through A) and dumped it on the table. I wasn't expecting there would be another note but omg I was really hopefully, wishfully thinking there would be another note. And there it was. But I didn't want to read it anymore, even though I really wanted to. Because I felt so mad, so heavy on the inside. Because I know it's just going to be a rejection note. The usual curiosity in me didn't prevail. HOW COME??? I should've read the note 

****

There are a lot of missing points on this story because.... it all came from a dream.


A dream which was surreal. A dream from a post-night shift. I woke up, opened my eyes, saw the wall with photos of my recent happenings and made me re-oriented to the present. The reality of present. But how I felt when I woke up was still there until it faded when it dawned on me nothing ever happened was real. I felt frustrated with how he belittled my feelings for him. UGHHHH ANO BAAAAAA. WHY YOU (EGO) DO THIS TO MEEEE???

It was always him. I just dreamed of you few months ago. Did I dream of you just because I saw you on my feed days ago? BUT IT'S BEEN DAYS! WHY NOW?? I know why I dreamed of the black stethoscope, perfume, and Cat because I just literally saw/encountered them yesterday and this morning. BUT YOU??? WHY??? And another dream that really felt I was in the Philippines yet again. AGAIN.

By the time I finished this, I'm now fully re-oriented to self, time, place, and happenings. With no one to talk to about this... who should I share this with?? It will always be here or my analog journal. Nothing else. People will always think that I've never moved on. But I always think, it might be because he was the greatest thing that I think I had, lasted awhile, but never really deserved. If it weren't for his presence in my dream, I wouldn't have updated this again. This is something that will always prompt me to go back to Tabulas. 

[feeling | distressed ]
[watching | House Season 6 ]