I've been meaning to finish a reflection on this book. It's something I bought this few months back (Oct 2022) from Waterstones. I started reading it right then and there while I was waiting for Mira to finish her shift. It has been something I have been longing for the longest time but never had the intention of actually sitting down on it.
Few days ago, after spending almost 24/7 for a few days already with Troll, I started picking up the book and read from the beginning. It was a whole new experience reading it since I have been struggling with it for sometime now. Hindi ko lang talaga maamin sa kanya na siya ang dahilan why I am so uncertain. Why I cannot express myself properly. I have been changed to a really dark person and somehow some people have noticed it already. I know myself I have been growing dark and I am aware of it but I have been doing nothing about it.
It's just really sad kasi whenever I encounter something that even the slightest bit upsets me, I get teary eyed and it bursts out easily and hard to control. That's how dark it's getting now. I easily get upset with thing that my tears are so shallow. I believe it's getting worse day by day that sometimes I feel like my work has also affected.
It all peaked with a friend who I really felt has betrayed me but then I also betrayed Troll. It was quite a complicated one. But then it deeply affected me. Never have I felt betrayed and felt so much shit. She immensley made me feel shit whenever I am present. How can I not let that affect me? Even if I try to shrug it off, I am intensely in pain. This is where Wally's famous line, "hindi ka nakakatulong sa mental health ko", holds true. Something that I will never say as I find it offensive to hear, but it's true regardless.
This book tackles on being alone and how to be comfortable with it. Sometimes, we are scared of spending time alone and facing our own "inner critic". I have always been used to being alone as I have encountered frustrations in the past of planning and yet others have different priorities--I have learned to accept that already. I thought I was comfortable already with my alone time but I guess I am wrong. I can travel alone. I can spend alone in the cinema. I prefer shopping alone. But nowadays, I feel like I am covered with so much fear. It seems like my decisions have been driven by fear. I'm shadowed by so many fears.
What am I afraid of at the moment?
- I am afraid if I leave Troll, what about the future plans? How about the wedding next year? Going back home in the Philippines? All the future plans? The uncertainty of all the future plans.
- (Just like everyone else's worry) Will someone be really there out for me?
- The comfort of having someone? Idk, I became comfortable at a certain point. But even though cuddles have been comforting, the intimacy of talk is what I have been yearning and needing which I couldn't get. I felt like I am always afraid of him. Afraid of expressing things of myself, all because, baka nakakarindi na ako or it will just show na hindi nga talaga siya ganun ka-interested sakin. Yung future plans pa lang, sobrang uncertain na ehh. Me being present is very uncertain na nga kasi hindi ko alam if he really wanted me to be in his future. He wanted to do it regardless of what happens, but what does that assure me then? Nothing. What form of security do I hold? Nothing. And nagiging evident na yung connection namin, most especially when he said, "walang chemistry". Sobrang hit me right to the core. Just because there wasn't chemistry in playing sport, you wouldn't work it out anymore? Parang ang unfair. Kaya recently, I felt invalidated na. And nakikita ko naman na kung kanino siya mas may connection and share more common things with. Kaya ako nagiging insecure lalo kasi hindi ako yun. Marami kaming differences talaga and barely share anything common. I've never felt so many differences with someone. Mas lalo siyang nagiging evident na. How can I build a future with someone who is unsure of me and also share a lot of differences? Ang hirap.
So what am I going to do next?
Yung alam mo ano dapat gawin, instead, you just carry on with everyday.
Let's explore other things instead. Who used to be me before?
- The fun girl who enjoys everyone's company. Who connects to everyone.
- The one who is not afraid to do solo travels.
- Confident with herself.