So many things has happened. As always. 

It sucks when you read your latest entry prior to this and realize, I still feel the same and yet I still haven't done anything to make things right. I am still where I am at the moment. Still wanting to unsocialize. 

There was a certain time few weeks/months back where I've been yearning to blog but impossible as the whole website went down. Just when I thought everything got lost from way waaaay back, it will still come back in the end.

I've been waiting for the day when I can get back to blogging in this platform again. 

Just when I thought it's really over, it comes back when you least expect it. There's something with this blog that keeps me coming back.

It's different when you're writing things down and when you're typing free-flowing as fast and as how anxious your mind is working. 

I'm on my last day of 2021 and how should be reflect on the past year? There's Covid, trying to cope with Covid and another Covid mutation happening (again). Got myself double jabbed and yet the pose of threat is still there despite all our efforts to fight this pandemic. 

But to be honest, there is a lot to be thankful this year. Although I'm 31 but with lots of internal pressure of upgrading to next life stage/chapter. But just like I said, it's all in the mind. My parents aren't actually pressuring me, I guess this is just all me trying to keep up on where I should be at this present. Honestly, I just can't help it. There is no one to blame but me. I think I should just be less harsh on myself. More on the patience and not pushing too much on things forward.

The past few days of covid scare has literally changed me and people around me. If they end up choosing not to talk to me anymore because of the panic I had, then that's it. We can't control anyone but we can always control how we will react to things. I just hope that friend of mine will still be there when he gets better because I was so blinded by these repulsive desires that I had over unfinished business but in reality I knew it was heading nowhere and will just create more confusion for everyone (pertaining to my feelings to Smasher). 

What should I be focusing more on this year? (I wouldn't want this to be a resolution per se but more on things to be hopeful for the coming year)
1. Save HARDER. Invest more. 
2. Spend time with family and people who really matters.
3. Write more. Save more memories in a more organized way. Keepsakes. 


I look forward to 2022 with growth, learning the 30s life lessons. 

There is so many things to say but time to go on my legit last shift of the year, bank shift!

How is it dating at 31? 

For some it may be a quick one. But for an OFW like me, prolly it's dating outside our area through travelling. 

Yeap, we travelled together. Medyo weird lang kasi gets 

Yesterday, I went for a bank shift downstairs (Covid ward). Ang saya sana kasi dami nilang Pinoy kahapon sa taas. Then one of my colleagues, J went down and asked for some stuff they needed upstairs. Then it so happened someone needed some antibiotics from downstairs so I needed to go upstairs as well. J told me she need to introduce me to someone, I asked who it was then...ugh yung new wardmate pala, si A. I suddenly felt people are building me up with him--Sister S, Ate J, J, and all the Js in the ward. HAHAHAHA. 

The thing is alam ko wala pa naman talagang galawang ganapan pero---
1. First impression, medyo tagilid. I worked with him twice and medyo loosen up agad, should I say complacent agad? Yung vibes medyo nagccomplacent agad? Or probably mas marami lang siyang alam kaysa sakin. Ika nga, mukhang magrurunner up kay X. 

2. He's younger than me. Alam ko gusto ko ng "noona" peg pero hmmmmm.. I remember my ex, he's younger too pero... naghahanap sana ako same maturity levels or mas mature sakin. Actually, mas mature sakin. Waaay maturity levels, like DDJ. 

3. Magka-ward kami. Diba ang pangit nung feeling kung magka-ward kayo tapos may something? Weeeeeird. Basta weird. Although I had a similar scenario before pero basta weird. 



To be honest, I like the attention. Pero it's gonna take a toll on me. Ako na naman lugi nito. I mean, yeah naghahanap ako pero I don't think this is right. Well, it's not right. I know myself now, pag ganyang may asaran madali ako magjump on it eh. I mean, madaling madala. I don't want that pero I can be very impulsive. Kagaya last night, may inom sana. Gusto ko talaga sumama pero... I have blood donation today tapos ako yung malayo, ako pa mag-eeffort. And ayoko naman na parang isipin niya na tipong nagbibigay ako ng signal.So kahit medyo gusto ko pumunta, no and I didn't. 

Then I told Marianne today about the build-up thingy then sabi niya i-go ko daw. Parang...no parin. Sabi ni Marianne, baka naman daw type daw talaga ako pero ughhhh. I'm needing of more distractions now dahil I keep on thinking more about it now.

Hay. I barely do this on a blog but I just wanted to let this out dahil madali talaga ako mabother generally. Maliit na bagay pa lang to. Idk. Hard not to think about it. 

I. NEED. MORE. DISTRACTIONS. --Duolingo, Piano, what else??

[listening to | Here I Am Again - Yerin Baek ]