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Ren
Registered Nurse. Soon-to-be MD in the making (hopefully). Orange lover, still. Loves Math. Procrastinator/Crammer. Sluggish. Obsessive Compulsive. Emo-tional. Sensitive. "Overlapping." Weakling. Motivated. Contradicting. Loser. Nerd. Soon-to-be Geek.

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I'm baaaack!
March 24th, 2018 | 06:30 PM

Of course, I will always come back to where I first started--my almost-thirteen-year-old blog! This is where I always tend pour my heart out whenever I can't open them to anyone else. Today, I am seriously feeling annoyed, disappointed, and where one of those moments where past-quarter crisis hits you rock bottom. I am seriously been teary-eyed how (I know) I've made so many irrational decisions over the past years and been choosing to stay where I am right now when I know I can do sooo sooo much better. I know where I should be heading to but obviously there's one huge reason that's hindering me to reach that goal--and that is opting to stay. 

This everyday decision of "staying" has been bothering me already for sometime (actually for years already) because I have been yearning for growth, new experiences, bigger environment and fresh faces. But still all ends up choosing not to rock the boat and stay complacent to where I am right now. So now I'm ending up punishing myself for still staying in the same road. 

Everything went worse when I was on my way home this afternoon. My Uber driver was sharing her daughter's life. The typical lucky person who was able to get into being a PAL stewardest (which I wasn't able to reach), get into one of the best hospitals (SLMC), pass the NCLEX, and getting hired in a renowned hospital in the US (after passing NCLEX). I mean how can life get any more rude at the moment? And his daughter's only 22 years old now. How her life's full of blessings, good for her. As for me, I've been struggling to keep myself mummed the entire time as I already want to end the conversation cause I don't wanna hear everything anymore. I wasn't seriously interested anymore. It's like merely shoving off to my face how her directions going well and when I'm not. God knows how much I know that already. Damn. 

.....

Right now I'm seriously hungry... I just saw there's a new ramen place near our house. I think I might try them today. :) #NeedingAllTheGVOutThere



Just like the usual, it will all remain as a rant. :/

orange you glad?


Random Self Rants
November 22nd, 2017 | 10:00 PM

I know this has been in my chest for sometime. I may not say it out loud but this is how I really feel. I know my heart isn’t here anymore. I have a LOT of reasons to leave but physically I am still striving my everyday to stay. He is one of the major reasons I’m staying and yet I don’t feel being reciprocated enough. Or maybe I am just asking too much in return of me staying. I am too selfish but I know I am feeling being dragged for something that I know will not be too much beneficial for me in the future. I know I can do these things but this is not how I wanted to live my life in the future. I am having a hang of it. I shouldn’t be here anymore. I know I shouldn’t and yet I’m still here. WHY? WHY?

A lot of things are happening: I’m not being able to go home anymore thus barely seeing my sister only once a week when I go home and need to wash my clothes. I feel awful everytime I leave home because I realized we are getting closer more than ever (again). And how am I going to sustain that if I go home less than what should be. I hate things are now. I love the improvement it brings in our hospital but am I really wanting this? Do I really want this? Is this what I ask my life would be?

There are a lot of questions. A lot of thoughts circling my mind but no concrete answers. I just always live my day-to-day life with quite no direction anymore. I am actually leaning towards no goal. No solid goal anymore. I guess I know my goal but I don’t know how to get to those goals.

(calmed myself after typing this)

 

After moments of browsing and shiz….

 

I dwelled on my UK application…Still pending though. I hate my agency. Either their representative is seriously inefficient or their load is quite heavy. I seriously don’t get it. If they were only more helpful with the process then we would’ve been benefiting both from this communication we’re trying to hold on….


Anyway to end this, I will watch The Intern again. #feelgoodmovie #superfeelgood #ineedtofeelbetter #repeattoself

orange you glad?


Quick update
July 30th, 2017 | 09:59 AM

Again, it's been months since I last update this "ancient" blog of mine. It's been 12 years!!! I could not believe that I have been treasuring a lot of memories and evolved my writing skills over time. It's such a shame if I still write the same, though! 

A lot of things have happened recently. But the major life-changing ones are:

1. I informally passed my comprehensive exam for graduate school. So thesis-it! Still no solid topic for my thesis paper yet.

2. I also got an offer in the UK!! I passed the interview and will be taking 2 more tests soon to finally head to the land of the royal family!! Whuuut. 

I am really excited for the things to happen. I really hope to see results soooooon!! I have so many aspirations!! I can't waaaaait! 

orange you glad?


Long Waiting Time
March 24th, 2017 | 06:09 PM

ATM: CBTL Capitol Commons waiting for our scheduled dinner reunion tonight

I've been thinking if I should go home and rest first before I go to our dinner tonight but then didn't want to go through the hassle traffic so I decided to wait instead here in Commons instead of going through hell of Friday traffic later (or now). 

Again, it's been a long long time since my last post. I applied to a corporate company recently and sad to say, had to reject their job offer. I'm really excited with the environment given the job description and all but seems like their compensation did not commensurate the responsibilities enough. It's actually a risky one and yet they compensate with a life insurance--not even an HMO. No wonder the position has been on Jobstreet for a few months now and yet they haven't found the right person for the position. Or should I say, no one has yet to accept the low salary they offer. Was fairly disappointed with their offer given it was an international company which supposedly has quite a generous budget for positions they need. Oh well. Been trying to look for a similar job but up to now, nothing has matched yet. I hope I could find something similar but pays well. *Wishing that to come soon enough*

Been having consistent weight problems (and gaining more pounds than ever) at my heaviest ever right now. I've been finding the motivation to push through my #backto2014mechallenge. I tried last Nov and enrolled myself in a 1-month gym membership. I went for two days and I got...bored already. I've been looking for an adult zumba or hiphop class to keep me interested. Seriosuly, I need this. I can't find the time to run in the evenings since it's risky in Marikina. I'm thinking of biking but need to find the time and must bring a lot of clothes to change after biking. But I like the idea. I might want to bike actually. Hmmmm...

Ugh, I need to find a way to get over this! 

Surprisingly, this week I got frustrated and found myself buying a book to read! After lalalala months of not reading a book! I realized how important really it is to consistently still read a book every now and then! Yes I know I suck at this the most. So glad I finished the book in less than 24 hours and found myself wanting to read another one! Now, I just bought a new book again, not teeny book anymore. But still a romance book, as always. Need to catch up on my reading skills though, I need this!!! 

Hope I'll be better than this in time! 

Aja! 

orange you glad?


Professionals, working unprofessionally.
November 30th, 2016 | 03:11 PM

I need to get this out for real. 

2016 has been really tough for me in terms of work as this year only I have worked with more than 10 different nurses (with and without experiences) ranging their stay from few days to a week to barely a month--all of them didn't make it too long to stay in our institution. Honestly, we've been trying to guess where went wrong and what we could've done better but how can we ever know if they just instantaneously disappear??? I MEAN COME ON. I barely get to find a DECENT MAN for myself. I didn't know DECENT PEOPLE (in general) are even harder to find. 

The first 3 nurses we had earlier this year were way decent than the succeeding ones we had. These three were able to inform our boss formally. Compared to the other remaining nurses, none of them had anything to say at all. There was one, who was the aggresive one said his intention that it will be his last day since the scope of work is not okay for him. On his last day of work, the moment he received his salary 3 hours before his shift ended, he fled right away and left a text message and said, "ma'am kailangan ko na po umalis, may family reunion po kasi kami need ko po umattend. Yung 3 hours ko po dun na lang po sa inextend ko pong time na di bayad." I really got pissed off after reading that text. HE WASN'T MAN ENOUGH TO OWN UP HIS WORDS AND SAY IT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. WHAT A COWARD! 

On that same batch with the aggresive guy, were 3 other nurses. I remembered 2 girls and 1 guy. One nurse didn't show up after 1 day because of travelling time, while the other ended after 4 days when we had a very toxic critical care patient. I thought the remaining guy will stand still for some time but after 2 months of working, the following day after he received his salary, didn't show up to work with no notice at all. Got tired of calling them and asking whether they'd still want to work or not. I guess, the no-show duty is a given answer and should already be enough for me. 

Before this last-standing guy gave up on us, we hired this nurse who wasn't supposed to be hired at all. He was placed on probation as he already come and go twice 3 years ago. My boss didn't want to give him a chance anymore but given the need, I pursuaded my boss since there's no other choice. He was so-so at first but when the last-standing guy was absent few days before he actually fled, I have given him a test that he needs to extend for half a shift and I couldn't afford to extend anymore because I have extended my entire life for this work so many times. HE SAID YES TO MY BOSS EVEN IF HE DIDN'T WANT TO. BECAUSE IT WAS MY BOSS. HE LEFT AT A TIME WHERE I DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHOICE BUT TO STAY BECAUSE HE LEFT ALREADY. I GOT PISSED OFF AGAIN BECAUSE BULLSHIT. HE'S ANOTHER COWARD GUY WHO JUST COULDN'T SAY IT TO MY FACE OR TO MY BOSS THAT HE CANNOT EXTEND FOR WORK BECAUSE HE WILL NOT BE PAID FOR IT. GOD. WHY DO THESE PEOPLE EXIST. THEY COULDN'T EVEN STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES. 

We've had more other nurses who just did the same thing over and over again and I just let them be. Naimagine niyo ba gaano kahirap magturo ng tao ng SOPs, protocols, environment and everything to people over and over and over AGAIN???? Seryoso, nagsawa na ako magturo. I have given up so many times already and we're just struggling to survive in our everyday lives. 

orange you glad?


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