I started my entry saving it first. I can't think of a file name for this when I thought of the date and realized it's August 30 today. It's 30, again. Usually it wouldn't mean anything. Well, not today? Naaah. It's just an ordinary day, I guess. 

Just yesterday, I had the longest sleep (like for more than 12 hours) after 2 days of being deprived from it. The longest sleep comes with the worst dream of all. For the past weeks or month, I tend not to write down my dreams because usually he would be on it and I don't think it's worth remembering. But yesterday's dream was diiferent. It felt like he has a new girl. For me it really felt bad. 

As I woke up yesterday and realized he was part of my dream again, I wondered where the hell did the thought of him came from? I mean, I wasn't thinking about him before I went to sleep that night. But then I remembered being in the same class with him that day during my group's case presentation. I can vividly recall when he commented on our group's NCP specifically on the goal part. Thank God that time Sir Perez was talking to us so I didn't have to look back. I really don't know actually why I didn't look back. Not that I don't wanna see his face. And I don't think it's even awkward looking at him. I guess it's easier for me to just listen to his voice without looking at him. Ugh, whatever. 


"I can't explain this feeling. I think about it everyday. And even though we've moved on, it gets so hard to walk away."


This is yet the hardest battle of all. I really don't know if I have moved on already. Is this just the I-miss-him-but-I-don't-love-you-anymore phase or is this the I-still-love-you phase/stucked feeling? Gaaaah. I'm so lost. Bakit kasi nawala si C eh. :| Things were getting smooth, but then why'd you have to kill it? :| Anywaaaaay. A lot of things are going through my mind right now. Can't seem to think one at a time. So confused. 


"Do you still think of me like I think about you? Do you still dream of me 'cause I can't sleep without you. Tell me the times you've made a change but why do I feel this way? I know I gotta move on but I'm so addicted to you."

I don't know what to think anymore. :| This is making me hard to breathe. You're making me hard to breathe. My brain is filled with thoughts of you that oxygen can't enter to nourish it with reality. 

Must stick to reality and must move on...but can't find a motive to FINALLY take that BIG IRREVERSIBLE STEP. I always keep on holding back. This time, I must go on and never look back. It's been forever (in reality, a year and a month) since it happened and I MUUUUST. Ohged. 



Okay Caren, breathe. Kaya mo yan.

That's life. Minsan I'm just overreacting to things na di naman dapat pinapansin. Pero sadyang lahat talaga pinapansin ko, sorry na lang.  

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. (He's Just Not That Into You, 2009)

Haydee and I were already walking in Gateway when were talked about the Shiz guy. No matter what angle I look at, it'll never happen. Do I have to enumerate? :)) Anyway, so I told her, "eh gusto ko kasi matalino eh." Then she said, "eh siya matalino (we both know who :|). Alam mo hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit hindi na kayo eh sobrang bagay pa naman kayo. Kung siguro kayo pa rin hanggang ngayon, okay kayo."  :|:|:| Grabe, alam mo yung paasa? :| Hearing that from a girl who's already the ex of my ex-boyfriend. The girl who came after me. C'moooon. That's the least thing you would ever want to hear from an ex of your ex-boyfriend. :|:|:| 

You know what, I really wanna hold on to what you said Haydee but I really know it cannot be. It isn't possible. :( I think about it whenever I see him, which I guess is always? I love the thought of it but it is killing me 'cause I know it will never be. :( 

Thanks but no thanks. It's just like I'm planning my slow death if I continue to wait for that day. Ugh. I'm making things hard for myself again. :( 

How I wish things can be back to how we used to be. :( I really miss it and I'm tired of missing it. GAH. :( I'm tired of waiting for something that will never happen again. 

Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought -- useless and disappointing. :|  (Cinderella Story, 2004)

Tell them I was happy
and my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible 

Falling out of love is hard

Something I did during our World Civ time. I was somehow listening but did more of this. Love it. Anyway, I just love the colors. Made it my background in twitter, but I like the black and white doodle one better. Awww. 

Cute! <3