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Ren
Registered Nurse. Soon-to-be MD in the making (hopefully). Orange lover, still. Loves Math. Procrastinator/Crammer. Sluggish. Obsessive Compulsive. Emo-tional. Sensitive. "Overlapping." Weakling. Motivated. Contradicting. Loser. Nerd. Soon-to-be Geek.

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2021 Year-End Entry
December 31st, 2021 | 07:12 PM

I'm on my last day of 2021 and how should be reflect on the past year? There's Covid, trying to cope with Covid and another Covid mutation happening (again). Got myself double jabbed and yet the pose of threat is still there despite all our efforts to fight this pandemic. 

But to be honest, there is a lot to be thankful this year. Although I'm 31 but with lots of internal pressure of upgrading to next life stage/chapter. But just like I said, it's all in the mind. My parents aren't actually pressuring me, I guess this is just all me trying to keep up on where I should be at this present. Honestly, I just can't help it. There is no one to blame but me. I think I should just be less harsh on myself. More on the patience and not pushing too much on things forward.

The past few days of covid scare has literally changed me and people around me. If they end up choosing not to talk to me anymore because of the panic I had, then that's it. We can't control anyone but we can always control how we will react to things. I just hope that friend of mine will still be there when he gets better because I was so blinded by these repulsive desires that I had over unfinished business but in reality I knew it was heading nowhere and will just create more confusion for everyone (pertaining to my feelings to Smasher). 

What should I be focusing more on this year? (I wouldn't want this to be a resolution per se but more on things to be hopeful for the coming year)
1. Save HARDER. Invest more. 
2. Spend time with family and people who really matters.
3. Write more. Save more memories in a more organized way. Keepsakes. 


I look forward to 2022 with growth, learning the 30s life lessons. 

There is so many things to say but time to go on my legit last shift of the year, bank shift!

orange you glad?


Buttercup
March 18th, 2021 | 04:48 AM

Yesterday, I went for a bank shift downstairs (Covid ward). Ang saya sana kasi dami nilang Pinoy kahapon sa taas. Then one of my colleagues, J went down and asked for some stuff they needed upstairs. Then it so happened someone needed some antibiotics from downstairs so I needed to go upstairs as well. J told me she need to introduce me to someone, I asked who it was then...ugh yung new wardmate pala, si A. I suddenly felt people are building me up with him--Sister S, Ate J, J, and all the Js in the ward. HAHAHAHA. 

The thing is alam ko wala pa naman talagang galawang ganapan pero---
1. First impression, medyo tagilid. I worked with him twice and medyo loosen up agad, should I say complacent agad? Yung vibes medyo nagccomplacent agad? Or probably mas marami lang siyang alam kaysa sakin. Ika nga, mukhang magrurunner up kay X. 

2. He's younger than me. Alam ko gusto ko ng "noona" peg pero hmmmmm.. I remember my ex, he's younger too pero... naghahanap sana ako same maturity levels or mas mature sakin. Actually, mas mature sakin. Waaay maturity levels, like DDJ. 

3. Magka-ward kami. Diba ang pangit nung feeling kung magka-ward kayo tapos may something? Weeeeeird. Basta weird. Although I had a similar scenario before pero basta weird. 



To be honest, I like the attention. Pero it's gonna take a toll on me. Ako na naman lugi nito. I mean, yeah naghahanap ako pero I don't think this is right. Well, it's not right. I know myself now, pag ganyang may asaran madali ako magjump on it eh. I mean, madaling madala. I don't want that pero I can be very impulsive. Kagaya last night, may inom sana. Gusto ko talaga sumama pero... I have blood donation today tapos ako yung malayo, ako pa mag-eeffort. And ayoko naman na parang isipin niya na tipong nagbibigay ako ng signal.So kahit medyo gusto ko pumunta, no and I didn't. 

Then I told Marianne today about the build-up thingy then sabi niya i-go ko daw. Parang...no parin. Sabi ni Marianne, baka naman daw type daw talaga ako pero ughhhh. I'm needing of more distractions now dahil I keep on thinking more about it now.

Hay. I barely do this on a blog but I just wanted to let this out dahil madali talaga ako mabother generally. Maliit na bagay pa lang to. Idk. Hard not to think about it. 

I. NEED. MORE. DISTRACTIONS. --Duolingo, Piano, what else??

orange you glad?


B, why? WHY?
June 20th, 2020 | 10:47 PM

I was with Angela. We were in a house, I guess? I don't know which one. 

I gave him something through A. I remembered it was an orange thing, I can't remember exactly what it was for. I think to view some videos? Something to make him understand that it came from me. I let A gave it to him but I wasn't there. I was too shy because I knew it was a gesture to make him aware of something special...that I still exist. You know exist, differently, not just as a person. 

I was walking somewhere with someone (I think it was Cat) where I saw his dad, who greeted us. His dad was wearing a blackshirt and around his neck was a black Littman stethoscope. We approached him and had a short chat. Kamustahan. It felt weird talking to him because we never really had a conversation. I don't know if he knew me at all.

When A got back to me she gave me a paper bag of stuff. I think we were at home. There were perfumes and other trivial stuff. And there was a small note as well. I think something happened and it made me mad because he was implying that he didn't like what I did. He felt somehow offended yet he tried concealing it with a nice gesture in return. Another stuff with a much longer note inside it. I knew he wasn't reciprocating at all but man, I got so mad for him actually turning me down(?). (WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING???)

The last thing I remembered was I chunked the second thing he gave me (through A) and dumped it on the table. I wasn't expecting there would be another note but omg I was really hopefully, wishfully thinking there would be another note. And there it was. But I didn't want to read it anymore, even though I really wanted to. Because I felt so mad, so heavy on the inside. Because I know it's just going to be a rejection note. The usual curiosity in me didn't prevail. HOW COME??? I should've read the note 

****

There are a lot of missing points on this story because.... it all came from a dream.


A dream which was surreal. A dream from a post-night shift. I woke up, opened my eyes, saw the wall with photos of my recent happenings and made me re-oriented to the present. The reality of present. But how I felt when I woke up was still there until it faded when it dawned on me nothing ever happened was real. I felt frustrated with how he belittled my feelings for him. UGHHHH ANO BAAAAAA. WHY YOU (EGO) DO THIS TO MEEEE???

It was always him. I just dreamed of you few months ago. Did I dream of you just because I saw you on my feed days ago? BUT IT'S BEEN DAYS! WHY NOW?? I know why I dreamed of the black stethoscope, perfume, and Cat because I just literally saw/encountered them yesterday and this morning. BUT YOU??? WHY??? And another dream that really felt I was in the Philippines yet again. AGAIN.

By the time I finished this, I'm now fully re-oriented to self, time, place, and happenings. With no one to talk to about this... who should I share this with?? It will always be here or my analog journal. Nothing else. People will always think that I've never moved on. But I always think, it might be because he was the greatest thing that I think I had, lasted awhile, but never really deserved. If it weren't for his presence in my dream, I wouldn't have updated this again. This is something that will always prompt me to go back to Tabulas. 

orange you glad?


3 weeks at UK
November 17th, 2019 | 05:33 PM

I just saw my last post 6 months ago and a lot of things happened since. A timeline just to give a gist: 

June 2019 - took IELTS and passed
July 2019 - took CBT and passed, submitted my NMC application and QD
August 2019 - Decision Letter received
September 2019 - Interviewed and passed, received offer letter
October 2019 - Certificate of Sponsorshop received, Visa appearance and Deployment date

Thinking about it I was able to leave in less than 6 months! To be honest, I couldn't believe it until now it's been something I really dreamt of, to be able to leave for abroad. Well it wasn't my planned destination to be honest. But a dream come true to finally set foot in a different country to work. Wuhoo! 

It's somehow an emotional rollercoaster because I have mixed emotions every single day and somehow discovering myself every step of the way so far here's my weekly feelings.

Week 1: Excited to set foot on this country! This week was more of entry level, city tour, whereabouts of everything. More of the adjustment phase, really. Two of my downfalls this week I had were first when the cake was left behind and I had to leave alone to get it for the HR officers. Everyone was really telling me to give it to them tomorrow instead but I refused and had to go that road by myself even though the feeling of being alone sucked. The other was when I was left alone to be tagged to a house that I'd be transferring. We initially planned to be together, the three of us actually, but of course I was left behind. I really felt bad at first but then I thought, if now, I had been feeling this isolation, what more later on? (And I was right, afterwards...)

Week 2: Induction week and we finally have our IDs!! Although what I didn't like about this week was we were tested positive for TB test. But then in our consent forms, we were only extracted for HIV, Hepa B and C only. So how come there was a TB test done without us being informed? And later on found out that since we tested positive, we have to undergo the treatment (well, that's according to the website, though). Had 2 vaccines this week: Flu and MMR. Also this week where my right ring finger acquired paronychia and had to be treated for urgent care because of intense pain and abscess. I was kinda frustrated because I didn't have anything like this prior to leaving. Of all the time I had to acquire this was now where I'm not yet familiar with their healthcare process.

Week 3: Just when we thought that we will be starting our bootcamp week, we ended up having duty with our respective wards unexpectedly! We all had to buy shoes at the very last minute! It sucks! Good thing I was able to buy a good affordable shoes. Whew! I was just stressed with the fact that they don't usually wear mask in the wards. I feel bad. To think they have MRSA patients, CAP, more of infectious patients where not only patients are at risk but more of me and other healthcare providers! Ughhhhh. 

I know these past few weeks were more of frustrations but I'm trying to see the brighter side in my everydays. Working extra hard for it but hopefully I'll get there. 

Here's to more adventures! 

Yay! I'm finally here! 

orange you glad?


Life update
May 7th, 2019 | 05:48 PM

It's been a year since the last entry I posted. As usual, a lot of things happen. 

As of the moment, I'm unemployed. My first unemployment phase since I started working almost 7 years ago! Wow, 7 years is too long and too many things happened already. A couple of months before I resigned, a workmate of mine decided to resign a week after submitting her resignation letter. I felt so bad because I've been having a hunch she'll be doing it at a short notice but then still it happened and I did nothing about the hunch. So we ended up working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week for a month. Then we had a new staff (but not RN), so we had to be careful with everything and at the same time get the day offs we wanted, somehow. But then after almost 2 months, just when everything was about to get better, the new trainee decided to resign on the spot. Take note, I submitted my resignation letter February 28, 2019 taking into consideration the 30 days rendering prior to actual resignation. Supposedly it should be effective April 1, 2019 but since I wasn't able to inform my co-workmates properly, decided to do it after April 23, 2019. So here I am a bummer for almost 2 weeks now. 

Honestly, I don't have any solid plan except for taking the IELTS by next month. Hopefully I could get this right this time but then I feel so demotivated more than ever. How long will I be staying this way? I have no fucking idea but I hope things could go as how any aspiring UKRNs are expecting-- 4-6 months perhaps? Praying so bad.

Car and I have been legit fixing our house disposing everything for good. And I'm so proud of her for being able to sold a lot of things in Carousel. I cannot sell stuff like how she does it. Idk but she's really good. Regarding disposing our other stuff, she was able to dispatch a lot of things we should've let go years ago. But it was a good exercise though to evaluate which should be taken along with you and which shouldn't. Konmari style, it is.

We should be having a garage sale anytime soon. But I find it hard to price everything and stuff. I'm seriously lazy to get this done and over with. Today, I seriously woke up and feeling agit. Idfk why. I felt like the gloominess of the sky. Ugh, I have so many feelings about today but they're all making me feel down. Legit!! 

I do hope by the time I update this again, there will be major change in my life. Keeping my fingers crossed and will be needing lots of motivation. Big time. 

orange you glad?


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