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Ren
Registered Nurse. Soon-to-be MD in the making (hopefully). Orange lover, still. Loves Math. Procrastinator/Crammer. Sluggish. Obsessive Compulsive. Emo-tional. Sensitive. "Overlapping." Weakling. Motivated. Contradicting. Loser. Nerd. Soon-to-be Geek.

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B, why? WHY?
June 20th, 2020 | 10:47 PM

I was with Angela. We were in a house, I guess? I don't know which one. 

I gave him something through A. I remembered it was an orange thing, I can't remember exactly what it was for. I think to view some videos? Something to make him understand that it came from me. I let A gave it to him but I wasn't there. I was too shy because I knew it was a gesture to make him aware of something special...that I still exist. You know exist, differently, not just as a person. 

I was walking somewhere with someone (I think it was Cat) where I saw his dad, who greeted us. His dad was wearing a blackshirt and around his neck was a black Littman stethoscope. We approached him and had a short chat. Kamustahan. It felt weird talking to him because we never really had a conversation. I don't know if he knew me at all.

When A got back to me she gave me a paper bag of stuff. I think we were at home. There were perfumes and other trivial stuff. And there was a small note as well. I think something happened and it made me mad because he was implying that he didn't like what I did. He felt somehow offended yet he tried concealing it with a nice gesture in return. Another stuff with a much longer note inside it. I knew he wasn't reciprocating at all but man, I got so mad for him actually turning me down(?). (WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING???)

The last thing I remembered was I chunked the second thing he gave me (through A) and dumped it on the table. I wasn't expecting there would be another note but omg I was really hopefully, wishfully thinking there would be another note. And there it was. But I didn't want to read it anymore, even though I really wanted to. Because I felt so mad, so heavy on the inside. Because I know it's just going to be a rejection note. The usual curiosity in me didn't prevail. HOW COME??? I should've read the note 

****

There are a lot of missing points on this story because.... it all came from a dream.


A dream which was surreal. A dream from a post-night shift. I woke up, opened my eyes, saw the wall with photos of my recent happenings and made me re-oriented to the present. The reality of present. But how I felt when I woke up was still there until it faded when it dawned on me nothing ever happened was real. I felt frustrated with how he belittled my feelings for him. UGHHHH ANO BAAAAAA. WHY YOU (EGO) DO THIS TO MEEEE???

It was always him. I just dreamed of you few months ago. Did I dream of you just because I saw you on my feed days ago? BUT IT'S BEEN DAYS! WHY NOW?? I know why I dreamed of the black stethoscope, perfume, and Cat because I just literally saw/encountered them yesterday and this morning. BUT YOU??? WHY??? And another dream that really felt I was in the Philippines yet again. AGAIN.

By the time I finished this, I'm now fully re-oriented to self, time, place, and happenings. With no one to talk to about this... who should I share this with?? It will always be here or my analog journal. Nothing else. People will always think that I've never moved on. But I always think, it might be because he was the greatest thing that I think I had, lasted awhile, but never really deserved. If it weren't for his presence in my dream, I wouldn't have updated this again. This is something that will always prompt me to go back to Tabulas. 

orange you glad?


3 weeks at UK
November 17th, 2019 | 05:33 PM

I just saw my last post 6 months ago and a lot of things happened since. A timeline just to give a gist: 

June 2019 - took IELTS and passed
July 2019 - took CBT and passed, submitted my NMC application and QD
August 2019 - Decision Letter received
September 2019 - Interviewed and passed, received offer letter
October 2019 - Certificate of Sponsorshop received, Visa appearance and Deployment date

Thinking about it I was able to leave in less than 6 months! To be honest, I couldn't believe it until now it's been something I really dreamt of, to be able to leave for abroad. Well it wasn't my planned destination to be honest. But a dream come true to finally set foot in a different country to work. Wuhoo! 

It's somehow an emotional rollercoaster because I have mixed emotions every single day and somehow discovering myself every step of the way so far here's my weekly feelings.

Week 1: Excited to set foot on this country! This week was more of entry level, city tour, whereabouts of everything. More of the adjustment phase, really. Two of my downfalls this week I had were first when the cake was left behind and I had to leave alone to get it for the HR officers. Everyone was really telling me to give it to them tomorrow instead but I refused and had to go that road by myself even though the feeling of being alone sucked. The other was when I was left alone to be tagged to a house that I'd be transferring. We initially planned to be together, the three of us actually, but of course I was left behind. I really felt bad at first but then I thought, if now, I had been feeling this isolation, what more later on? (And I was right, afterwards...)

Week 2: Induction week and we finally have our IDs!! Although what I didn't like about this week was we were tested positive for TB test. But then in our consent forms, we were only extracted for HIV, Hepa B and C only. So how come there was a TB test done without us being informed? And later on found out that since we tested positive, we have to undergo the treatment (well, that's according to the website, though). Had 2 vaccines this week: Flu and MMR. Also this week where my right ring finger acquired paronychia and had to be treated for urgent care because of intense pain and abscess. I was kinda frustrated because I didn't have anything like this prior to leaving. Of all the time I had to acquire this was now where I'm not yet familiar with their healthcare process.

Week 3: Just when we thought that we will be starting our bootcamp week, we ended up having duty with our respective wards unexpectedly! We all had to buy shoes at the very last minute! It sucks! Good thing I was able to buy a good affordable shoes. Whew! I was just stressed with the fact that they don't usually wear mask in the wards. I feel bad. To think they have MRSA patients, CAP, more of infectious patients where not only patients are at risk but more of me and other healthcare providers! Ughhhhh. 

I know these past few weeks were more of frustrations but I'm trying to see the brighter side in my everydays. Working extra hard for it but hopefully I'll get there. 

Here's to more adventures! 

Yay! I'm finally here! 

orange you glad?


Life update
May 7th, 2019 | 05:48 PM

It's been a year since the last entry I posted. As usual, a lot of things happen. 

As of the moment, I'm unemployed. My first unemployment phase since I started working almost 7 years ago! Wow, 7 years is too long and too many things happened already. A couple of months before I resigned, a workmate of mine decided to resign a week after submitting her resignation letter. I felt so bad because I've been having a hunch she'll be doing it at a short notice but then still it happened and I did nothing about the hunch. So we ended up working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week for a month. Then we had a new staff (but not RN), so we had to be careful with everything and at the same time get the day offs we wanted, somehow. But then after almost 2 months, just when everything was about to get better, the new trainee decided to resign on the spot. Take note, I submitted my resignation letter February 28, 2019 taking into consideration the 30 days rendering prior to actual resignation. Supposedly it should be effective April 1, 2019 but since I wasn't able to inform my co-workmates properly, decided to do it after April 23, 2019. So here I am a bummer for almost 2 weeks now. 

Honestly, I don't have any solid plan except for taking the IELTS by next month. Hopefully I could get this right this time but then I feel so demotivated more than ever. How long will I be staying this way? I have no fucking idea but I hope things could go as how any aspiring UKRNs are expecting-- 4-6 months perhaps? Praying so bad.

Car and I have been legit fixing our house disposing everything for good. And I'm so proud of her for being able to sold a lot of things in Carousel. I cannot sell stuff like how she does it. Idk but she's really good. Regarding disposing our other stuff, she was able to dispatch a lot of things we should've let go years ago. But it was a good exercise though to evaluate which should be taken along with you and which shouldn't. Konmari style, it is.

We should be having a garage sale anytime soon. But I find it hard to price everything and stuff. I'm seriously lazy to get this done and over with. Today, I seriously woke up and feeling agit. Idfk why. I felt like the gloominess of the sky. Ugh, I have so many feelings about today but they're all making me feel down. Legit!! 

I do hope by the time I update this again, there will be major change in my life. Keeping my fingers crossed and will be needing lots of motivation. Big time. 

orange you glad?


Got me depressin' today
May 29th, 2018 | 07:06 PM

Sunday morning, got the urge to watch Netflix again. I re-subscribed and started watching this specific Chinovela (Chinese telenovela)-- A Love So Beautiful. I've seen it in the commercial of our local television a few times but didn't seem to be interested to watch it though. So when I started this two days ago, it was a very impulsive act and I got hooked instantly!! And since I started watching, I knew there was a similar series to this plot. It took me a day to realize the title of the other series. I knew it was a Taiwanese and searched for it a lot of times until finally--It Started With A Kiss! 

Anyway, I was really hooked to this (all the free time I can get was spent watching!). It came to a point I was watching on duty--I know I'm so bad. But I was able to finish 24 episodes (with 41mins each) in 2 1/2 days!!!! I was so hooked I was up all night, last night watching!!! Couldn't believe it was only now (again) that I got hooked to a series!!! I was seriously crying and sobbing at 1 AM!! 

I finished this morning upon arriving for duty. It was so bitiiiin! I wish there was more but it was good enough. My super babaw self for romcom was really moved. Jiang Chen was really similar to someone I used to like years ago--the path he's going to take (career), resembling his semi-reserved attitude. It was somehow, the same. 

After watching, I don't know how I should really feel. I've been single for the longest time and I don't know how to converse and meeting up with other people. I feel so depressed after. Gaaaaaah. 

***

I knew this prompted another blog entry. Although this was a nonsense one. I'd like to put it here. To remind me that I remembered this guy again. Naaaat. 

orange you glad?


I'm baaaack!
March 24th, 2018 | 06:30 PM

Of course, I will always come back to where I first started--my almost-thirteen-year-old blog! This is where I always tend pour my heart out whenever I can't open them to anyone else. Today, I am seriously feeling annoyed, disappointed, and where one of those moments where past-quarter crisis hits you rock bottom. I am seriously been teary-eyed how (I know) I've made so many irrational decisions over the past years and been choosing to stay where I am right now when I know I can do sooo sooo much better. I know where I should be heading to but obviously there's one huge reason that's hindering me to reach that goal--and that is opting to stay. 

This everyday decision of "staying" has been bothering me already for sometime (actually for years already) because I have been yearning for growth, new experiences, bigger environment and fresh faces. But still all ends up choosing not to rock the boat and stay complacent to where I am right now. So now I'm ending up punishing myself for still staying in the same road. 

Everything went worse when I was on my way home this afternoon. My Uber driver was sharing her daughter's life. The typical lucky person who was able to get into being a PAL stewardest (which I wasn't able to reach), get into one of the best hospitals (SLMC), pass the NCLEX, and getting hired in a renowned hospital in the US (after passing NCLEX). I mean how can life get any more rude at the moment? And his daughter's only 22 years old now. How her life's full of blessings, good for her. As for me, I've been struggling to keep myself mummed the entire time as I already want to end the conversation cause I don't wanna hear everything anymore. I wasn't seriously interested anymore. It's like merely shoving off to my face how her directions going well and when I'm not. God knows how much I know that already. Damn. 

.....

Right now I'm seriously hungry... I just saw there's a new ramen place near our house. I think I might try them today. :) #NeedingAllTheGVOutThere



Just like the usual, it will all remain as a rant. :/

orange you glad?


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